fish

It's amazing the amount of videos on youtube claiming completely crazy and stupid things. Who knows how many people actually believe them, i know of one about 2012, and this planet 'Nibiru' which is apparently hurtling towards earth, which if you didn't know, is bollocks. Well, one yesterday i saw put Barrack Obama on a par with Hitler. He put his point across in a little youtube video, no citations, no facts or even quotes (no matter how out of context they were).. just rhetoric. Using the language of advertising, saying as much as you can in 3 minutes, beautiful Samuel Barber music over the top, and images... that was it! That was the extent of his argument! And he had something like 60,000 views. Now, i'm not saying that anybody changed their mind because of that video, but it's quite amazing how infectious beauty is. You sort of liken beauty to truth, as if by creating something beautiful it must be true, which isn't neccessarily the case. Anyway, i made the above video as a parody. It only took a few hours, so i don't care if nobody likes it.

Have been reading a book on Conceptual Art, a history, and how someone responded to Duchamp's Fountain with this -

'a lovely form has been revealed, freed from its functional purpoise, therefore a man has clearly made an aesthetic contribution. Mr Mutt has taken an ordinary object, placed it so that its useful significance disappears, and thus has created a new approach to the subject.'

Now, i don't believe this was Duchamp's intention, i don't think he was much of an aesthete. But it's irrelevant anyway, because this describes something i've been trying to do, but not quite the same, yet i can't quite describe it. It reminds me of Baselitz, let's put it like that, freeing the paint from the image by turning all his paintings upside down, yet obviously its not just about paint, otherwise he'd be an abstract artist.. But it's not quite that either.

I remember in the last year of uni, i was trying to liberate ideas, liberate motifs. To take the satyrs that Rubens painted, or the Religious paintings, things which don't have as much relevance today, and free up the forms from the story. As if the story was mud, and i was dragging the bodies out. I thought it would cause some sort of dissonance. It's not a new idea, i suppose the Surrealists are the obvious group that did this sort of thing, take two unrelated objects and push them together so we see something new. But that feels different.

This isn't just about form, nor is it Conceptual, it's somewhere in between, where an object is given new life, seen from a new perspective, through a painterly eye. But i'm running out of money, and i'm running out of canvas, and i don't know what to do to get my work noticed... hell, even my blog only has one follower.

Information Overload

I'm not ready to give up the likeness just yet. Expressionism, and a painting follows that i did today with Baselitz in mind, is so boggy, so muddy, so fixed to a form, i just can't do it. I want the paint to float away, not be bogged down, i want it to look effortless, with hints of patience. I want it acidic but not deathly. I want to paint from life, from appearances, create likenesses, i'm not ready to succumb to depicting only the inner world, not yet anyway. It's so insular. I'm just a little confused, i'm too aware of the history of painting, with every inch of paint i apply i know exactly which artist and which period this styles inspiration can be attributed to, and it's just impossible to paint like this. That's possibly why the paint is being bogged down, because i've got clumps of muddy art history stuck to my feet.

to be consumed by love is not to understand it

I just need noise all the time, i can't stand the silence, even when i'm painting i have to listen to music, loud music. And when i tire of the music i listen to the radio, the talky shows on Radio 4 and the Jeremy Vine show. And even when i get tired of those sounds there is always the birds, the drills in the distance, the rain. I just can't stand the silence. It's worse at night, though i like the darkness (it's when the bluebird comes out to play), i love the night, i hate getting too tired to see the night through, but i must sleep. I hate wasteful times, sleeping, eating, when i can't do anything else but succumb to the needs of my body. I can't stand the silence though, i have to sleep with the radio on, or the tv, i know its a waste of electricity, but i don't use much during the day.

The paintings flow during the night time, that's why i like the winter, it's easier, it gets dark earlier, perfect conditions for creation really. Now the day's a slog. People think painter's want quiet, they want nice walks in the countryside, sit down with a canvas and paint the trees, not me. Only sunday painters like that, nothing wrong with sunday painters, but they do it to relax, cause they enjoy it. I'll do something else to relax; drive, write, sleep. To paint i want to be in the middle of it all, i want to live in the centre of Manchester or London, New York or Paris or... Bucharest, or wherever there  is lots going on. Where  i can feel a flood of people around me, and when i hide away, it feels like hiding. Here in Dudley everywhere is hidden.

I painted some more today, like every day. I'm really getting there, things are going well with the painting, it's a struggle, but the good kind. Not everything i come out with is good, but it all adds up, i learn something with each new painting, even if it's what not to do. I'm sure i'll forget it all again soon and make the same mistake somewhere down the line. I've been painting in a expressionist sort of way, i like that. The impressionists, the first major art group after the introduction of photography, they elevated the paint from the horrors of 'likeness'. Everyone wants painters to paint likenesses, nevermind if it has no soul or feeling, as long as it looks like what it's of. Well, impressionism was a starting point on the road to paint for the sake of paint, Impressionism still dealt with likenesses, but it was an attempt to make the world that we experience visible, the way our minds distort the light, our movements, lights movements, what even photography can't grasp. Post impression took that skill and made the inner feelings visible, and then Expressionism, to my mind, near enough dispensed with the visible altogether, it didn't give a fuck what it saw, the colours and shapes were an expression of feeling. I'm talking Kirchner, Munch, Soutine now, Bonnard, Grosz and Dix even. Until you get up to Baselitz, and the paint makes it's own world. That's where i am, i saw it in the face of the woman i painted yesterday, at the end of this writing. And i just realised that i wasn't interested in the likenesses at all, i wanted the paint, the composition should rely on the skill of the paint. I've been trying to make the composition perfect, and by doing that i end up painting it by rote, there's no need to paint it well, it's just illustration, because it's all in the composition... that's no way to paint. I need to paint so that if it's not painted well it all falls flat, so there's no safety net in the composition.

For what purpose? for what end point am i trying to achieve? There is no point, there is no ending, only a point at which i fall silent. Each person has to make his own way, paint for his own sake, it's not science, there is no progression from generation to generation, each person has to start from scratch. We make art like we live, and the next generation will not learn from our art anymore than they will from our way of living... to be consumed by love is not to understand it.

"My contest is only with myself: to do it right, with power and force and delight and gamble. Otherwise, forget it."

Charles Bukowski, The Captain is out to Lunch, and the Sailors have taken over the Ship.

Now, go away.

i have nothing to say!

so here's a painting!

If it takes ten years, it takes ten years,

but perfection in technique is a necessity. Things like colour, line, shape, composition, subject matter, these things aren't gonna develop overnight, you have to work at it. The heading, by the way, is courtesy of a Monty Don programme on weaving last friday night.

These last few weeks i've been so concentrated on this big painting i'm doing, it's not that big, i've done bigger..(!) But not for a while, and i'm really trying to consider exactly what it is i'm going to put into it. So i've done a lot of other paintings, not so much studies for, but themes related to this big painting...

Went to Leeds yesterday, dropped off a painting for the BP portrait awards. It was a nice drive, but i don't hold much hope for the competition, it's an international award, first prize is £25,000, it attracts a lot of good painters, and the painting i entered simply isn't good enough. But hey, its on every year, i have enough time to try and make a great painting for next time. But the drive was good, stopped off a couple of places on the motorway, had a Costa coffee, i like those places. It's all generic, and each Costa or Starbucks is exactly the same as every other one, but sometimes thats all i want. Big windows, good coffee, dark wood tables, comfortable chairs, and people whose faces aren't empty. Spent a lot of my time in Manchester in Costa in Waterstones, i loved it.

I seem to have developed a fear of walking past cars in traffic, not a fear as much as it cause me anxiety. It's easy in the winter because it's dark, and no-one can see you. But when it's warm and light, you feel so exposed and vulnerable. It's the strangest feeling. It wasn't so bad in Manchester, because it wasn't my town, i mean i adopted it, but the people, however much i liked them, were far removed from the people i grew up with. And this vulnerability is greatly magnified in this small town (Dudley). I still don't really know how to deal with Dudley people. That may sound extremely stereotypical, but i'd much prefer just to hide away, that's easier in a big city, you can just dissolve into the crowd.

dum dum dum!

I think i'm capable of 'competing' (i'm not sure it is a competition) with the greats... like Daumier, Van Gogh, Titian, Goya, Rembrandt.. and dare i say Michelangelo. I'm very critical of my work, i'm not under any delusion that anything so far has been anywhere near the standard they achieved, but given more time i think i can. And i don't care if you think i'm a prick cause i said it, most people don't say it, they just hold these greats up as untouchables, as if they're sacred, sent from god or something, which defeats the whole purpose, that these are ordinary fucking people who achieved great things through hard work, not divine intervention.

I kind of got a whole age thing in my head, the first one was that i wanted to make a great film (or animation) at 25, like Welles.. it's not really working out though, i only have 2 months left til i'm 26

'sick'

Read some of these comments;

"EVIL SICK BASTARD ROT IN FUCKING HELL YOU FUCKIN SCUM BAG !!!!"

"die slow and painfull knowing u are the most hated person in the world!"

"he doesnt deserve to live. They both should die in the most painful and undignified way as possible. Let the parents at him with whatever they need to torture them. That is not evil. They are."

"fuckin bastard needs 2 be shot sick twat keep him in jail."

"PLEASE DIE."

 

"vile vile vile RAT"

"complete Tw*t ... Should Bring Back Da Fu*kin Electric Chair >..<"

"I hope he get whats he diserves, that was pure evil., I hope they get tourted !! BASTARDS!!"

"I cannot understand why people cannot accept that certain peoplr are born evil and as such cannot be cured. So we either keepthem locked up all their lives or we exteminate."

""EVIL" FUCKIN BASTARD..I HOPE U GET EVERYTHING U FUCKI DESREVE AFTER WAT U DID TO THAT LITTLE BOY...ALL U DESERVE IS TO FUCKIN DIE!!!"

These are just some of the wise words posted onto such facebook groups as 'Petition to kill Jon Venables', 'Rot in Hell Jon Venables', 'Keep Jon Venables in prison'... the most popular of which have over 50,000 members. Obviously, if you don't know already, this refers to the torture and killing of 3 year old Jamie Bulger, some 20 years ago, by two 10 year old boys, who have been in prison ever since, one of them was released sometime last year, his identity kept secret, and now he's back in jail for an unknown reason.

I don't really want to talk about the case though, i was just affected by the comments. You see, the majority of these comments are in response to a photograph of 10 year old Jon Venables with a lollipop in his hand, being escorted by a policeman. There are comments about the child having 'evil eyes', and well... as you can read, people writing vile and angry comments about someone they can only see as child, because there are no later photos of them available.

I fear this sort of mob mentality, claiming they have moral high ground with their pitchforks and their oil lamps, is just as disturbing as the original crime.

The colours are better, the land they appear to be in could easily be mistaken for a bed, and i don't know why but they're all facing the same way. I'm going in the right direction, and i don't think for one minute that they're bleak. You don't know what bleak is.

network

Firstly, I got some poetry published, i think i mentioned it one of the earlier works. It's an online magazine at Blank media, here's a link to it, it's the 20th issue if you read this when the next ones come out... - http://www.blankmediacollective.org/blankpages - it feels to good to have someone think your work is good enough to be published like that, and to give you 4 of their pages up for it. I'm not sure of the quality of the poems, i dont think the 'raging fox' one is so good, but i like the others, and it's nice that they mentioned me in the same sentence as e.e. cummings, he's one of the people i was referring to about the time i wrote them, ever since i saw his poem featured in Hannah And Her Sisters by Woody Allen. And Bukowski of course, he's really influential, reminds me a bit of Baselitz, in some way.

I'm starting to see how important it is to have a network of artists around you. I've been working in relative isolation, and after uni, where i was placed into this constant and ready-made environment, a network of fellow students and professors to comment on your work and suggest different things to look at and ways of working. I never thought that would be one of the most important things about uni, not until i've moved back to dudley and started painting in greenhouse, surrounded by trees and squirrels and my dad. There's people to comment on my work, people who 'like' it on facebook, but there aren't any other painters to talk to. This is pretty much ruining me, i have no compass, no outside, objective help, and as a result i end up taking many diversions.

I suppose if i'm honest i do have a lot of people to give me advice, but no-one i trust enough to take it. I cross examine them, like my dad, i think, "well, you've never made a painting... you want me to make money, you want me to do portraits of dogs and babies, and you'd have them hanging in the neighbours front room, have them fit in with the decor".

So, lately this is what i've been trying to do, gain a bit of exposure, exhibit a lot more, comment on other peoples work and hopefully they'll do the same for me. And i think an artist residency would really be useful, in this country or abroad, whatever i can get, but i'd get paid for it, and i'd be around other artists, i'd have to produce work, and at the end most probably give a talk about it. So that's what i'm looking out for.