These last few weeks i've been so concentrated on this big painting i'm doing, it's not that big, i've done bigger..(!) But not for a while, and i'm really trying to consider exactly what it is i'm going to put into it. So i've done a lot of other paintings, not so much studies for, but themes related to this big painting...
Went to Leeds yesterday, dropped off a painting for the BP portrait awards. It was a nice drive, but i don't hold much hope for the competition, it's an international award, first prize is £25,000, it attracts a lot of good painters, and the painting i entered simply isn't good enough. But hey, its on every year, i have enough time to try and make a great painting for next time. But the drive was good, stopped off a couple of places on the motorway, had a Costa coffee, i like those places. It's all generic, and each Costa or Starbucks is exactly the same as every other one, but sometimes thats all i want. Big windows, good coffee, dark wood tables, comfortable chairs, and people whose faces aren't empty. Spent a lot of my time in Manchester in Costa in Waterstones, i loved it.
I seem to have developed a fear of walking past cars in traffic, not a fear as much as it cause me anxiety. It's easy in the winter because it's dark, and no-one can see you. But when it's warm and light, you feel so exposed and vulnerable. It's the strangest feeling. It wasn't so bad in Manchester, because it wasn't my town, i mean i adopted it, but the people, however much i liked them, were far removed from the people i grew up with. And this vulnerability is greatly magnified in this small town (Dudley). I still don't really know how to deal with Dudley people. That may sound extremely stereotypical, but i'd much prefer just to hide away, that's easier in a big city, you can just dissolve into the crowd.
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